So apparently Wednesday was 'International Women's Day' or some such bollocks. Twitter was awash with thick-as-pigshit bell-ends crying 'THIS IS SEXIST, WHY ISN'T THERE AN INTERNATIONAL MAN'S DAY?'. There is. In November. So shut up and fuck off and put the bins out you man-twats. Personally I couldn't give a crap whether it's men's or women's day, some women are equally as DIPSHIT as men, and two women in the paper this week demonstrated that point. Firstly, a vacant bimbo complaining that, when she sells her lovely dresses on Ebay, she always gets loads of messages from letchy blokes asking for reach-arounds and wanting to SPAFF their man-milk all over her chin. THEY'RE MONSTERS, PERVS, AND WEIRDOS, she cries! But let's consider the evidence - all your pictures on Ebay are of you, modelling the dresses, with your massive tits hanging out, pictures taken in such a provocative way that YOU KNOW FULL FUCKING WELL men are going to be sticking them in their iPhone wank banks for a quick hand-shandy when their own missus has fucked off to Budgens on Saturday morning. Now, I know, and agree, that anyone should be able to wear whatever they like (I wear CROCS and my favourite t-shirt has a picture of a sheep on it), but that's not the issue - you can't show someone your tits, and then moan that they looked at your tits. Get a grip woman - make it a firm grip though, just like the blokes are when they're 'putting a bid on'.
The other idiot woman was an old lady from India, who thought it would be a great idea to have IVF and then give birth to a baby at the age of 72. That's right. SEVENTY TWO. When most elderly ladies are starting to need their own nappies and feeding regime, she decided to have a baby, and is now complaining that 'it's harder work than I thought'. No shit! Apparently giving birth has 'taken it's toll' on her body. Really? I would have thought that it was a piece of piss, given that your 72 year old clopper is probably as baggy as a CLOWN'S POCKET. And post-birth I bet it looks like a run-over badger. I'm sorry but in my opinion it's a little bit selfish and just not natural - her husband is 80 years old for fuck's sake, when he jizzes it's probably like little clouds of chalk puffing out of his Herman Gelmet. I'm not saying that old people shouldn't do the nasty, if they're game and still able then go for it - but in my view the menopause is nature's way of saying 'HURRAH, YOU CAN SHAG NOW WITHOUT THE WORRY OF BEING BURDENED WITH A CHILD UNTIL YOU'RE SIXTY FIVE YEARS OLD'. So, in the words of that absolute COCKSNIFF Jeremy Kyle, 'old men, put something on the end of it!' - and I don't mean Gladys from the geriatric ward.
Things that annoy me #4932 - tiny chocolate bars. On Fridays, the old man brings home naughty treats to eat, and last week he produced a pack of no less than FOUR Double Deckers from his bag, 'they were only a quid!' - BRILLIANT! Until you realise that the Double Deckers were actually the size of a hamster's chog (actually I've just Googled chog and it comes up with a completely different definition to that which we use in our house, therefore in the interests of clarity, a chog in our house is a turd, a poo, a stool, a brown bomb). They were literally fun-size fun-size Double Deckers (yes, I meant to write that twice, to emphasize the FUCKING TINYNESS of the items). NO WONDER THEY WERE ONLY A FUCKING QUID!
This week, I had to suffer the absolute INDIGNITY of doing the BIG SHOP in the actual store, rather than getting it delivered to my house on Monday as usual. The reason for this is because I went to a faraway foreign land on the piss over the weekend (Studley, near Birmingham, travel fans), and got back so late on Sunday that I simply could not be FUCKED to do an online shop. The kid came along as she needed to get a week's supply of super noodles. By jiminy, I wish I'd left her at home. She spent the ENTIRE SHOPPING TRIP fucking MOANING about people - she works in this particular store and proceeded to go on a MASSIVE RANT about how she hates people, hates customers, customers pronounce her name wrong, they ask her questions about items they want to buy (HOW FUCKING DARE THEY!), they complain when things are not right (uh, what do you expect them to do, 'oh, the milk I just bought is so out of date that it's turned into a new form of cancer-killing anti-biotic but that's fine, it will taste just dandy on my Coco Pops') - her mouth did not shut for about twenty minutes, didn't stop to take a breath, she must have created some sort of vacuum between her gob and her ass, Jesus, I've never heard someone moan so much! Obviously takes after her dad.
No comments:
Post a Comment