Hello there. This week, I was ranting about something in the Daily Shitrag, and my kid said 'why do you read it if it's full of shit?'. Well, let me tell you. I read it because it's so literally full of shit, that I sometimes cannot believe my own eyes, and it makes my blood boil (also it's the easiest format to read on my phone, because I'm fucked if I'm paying to read the fucking Times). So if I didn't keep reading it, my blood wouldn't boil, I wouldn't have anything to rant about, and therefore I would not be able to keep writing this blog, so I'm actually doing it all for you, the lovely readers. I'M SUFFERING FOR MY ART!
I made the frankly WANK decision to watch Crimewatch this week, for the first time in years. The last time I watched it, it was that bloke that used to say 'don't have nightmares, do sleep well'. Yes, you've just shown me a story about a gang of masked men busting into my house in the dead of night with crowbars and cyanide, with the intention of stealing my life savings and bumming me to death, SWEET FUCKING DREAMS. Anyhow, what a mistake I made. The programme was literally FULL OF CUNTS. Evil, despicable, low-life, total SHITS not fit to walk this earth. How fucking BRAVE of someone to break into a elderly lady's house and beat her to death. I absolutely believe that capital punishment should be brought back for cases where there is absolutely no doubt of someone's guilt - don't give me all this bullshit about rehabilitation and giving someone a chance - if you think it's acceptable to beat an old lady to death, you have nothing to give to a civilized society, and I would much rather my taxes were not spent on keeping you alive in Wormwood Scrubs for the next 20 years. A rope and a shovel are much cheaper.
Now, I love a bit of meat, me (easy, ladies). Steak, sausage, bacon, pork, chicken, I'll eat any of it. I'm fully aware it's a dead animal. But here's what really gets on my tits - meat-eaters that say 'oooo no I'm not eating that unless it's been HUMANELY KILLED'. Sorry, what? Which part of being killed to be eaten is humane? Stun gun right in the middle of the forehead - DEAD. Slit throat and hung up to bleed to death - YEP, STILL DEAD. Electrocuted or gassed before being shot - YEP, STILL DEAD. However poor Ermintrude met her fate, she's DEAD and you're EATING her, so in my opinion you have no moral high ground here - if you're that bothered about how an animal is killed, go and be a vegetarian. Leaves more burgers for me. I'll even put some lettuce on them if it keeps you happy. I draw the line at gherkins though.
Before the obvious big news story this week, the papers were clearly a bit short on things to talk about, so the Daily Shitrag printed a really fucking handy article about how useful peanut butter is. These absolute fucking MORONS masquerading as journalists must be really skint and I bet their parents are so proud they paid thousands of pounds for them to attend university in order to build a career writing ABSOLUTE CACK. Anyway, amongst the things that peanut butter (as opposed to nut butter, which is a whole other sticky substance that is not very useful) is supposed to be useful for are the following (please note, it must be SMOOTH peanut butter - which is absolutely ridiculous as nobody buys that shit anyway):
- 'Removing odours' - if you cooked fish pie for tea and your kitchen smells like the gusset on Mad Lizzie's leotard, if you fry some peanut butter it will remove the smell of fish - YES, AND REPLACE IT WITH THE SMELL OF PEANUT BUTTER
- 'Repair a scratch on a DVD' - just rub some peanut butter over the scratch - your DVD will work, but your DVD player will be full of PEANUT BUTTER
- 'Remove dead flies from your windscreen' - just rub some peanut butter over them (I'm detecting a pattern here) - the bugs will come off but you'll have MASSIVE SMEARS OF PEANUT BUTTER OVER YOUR WINDSCREEN
- 'Moisturise your hair' - just rub some peanut butter in your hair then wash it out - your hair will be shiny but you'll smell like a MONKEY'S BOG PAN.
- 'If you run out of butter when cooking, just use peanut butter' - WTF?
- 'Popcorn flavouring' - if you want peanut butter flavoured popcorn, just add peanut butter. REALLY? What is this radical new concept of adding something to cooking to give it the same flavour as the thing you've added? Why has GORDON FUCKING RAMSAY never shared this NUGGET OF CULINARY GENIUS with us before?
I've got one more tip for these Happy Shopper journos - save room in your kitchen cupboard by shoving your jar of Smooth Peanut Butter up your arse.
Things that annoy me #8215 - people that say '2am IN THE MORNING'. If it's 2am it's obviously in the fucking morning, you ignoramuses (ignorami?)
The weather seems to be on the up, and it's guaranteed that a bit of sun will bring out an absolute TSUNAMI of DICKHEADS. Ooo, it's three degrees above zero, we must go out in the convertible with the roof down and our sunglasses on like we're Thelma and fucking Louise. Have a word with yourselves you twats, it's still fucking freezing and you just look like a NOB. I went to town today (with no coat on, to be fair), and in a shocking turn of events, I parked in a car park a short walk from town rather than in the centre, and had to suffer the MONUMENTAL TRAUMA of walking. I walked past a group of lads trying to do parkour round the edge of the car park (parkour, for those who do not know, is like a free-running type thing - basically running around and jumping off things like Nadia Comaneci on crack (google her, young people) but just looking a bit like they should have been doing forward rolls in their vest and pants on those threadbare green mats we used to do PE on. Now, I would never take the piss out of youths being outside and doing something more energetic than texting or wanking (or texting AND wanking), but as I walked closer it emerged that these 'youths' were actually about 35! Get on home, put a sweater and some sensible slacks on and mow the fucking lawn you bellends!
Last thing - the kid was out quite late the other night, past my bedtime, and when this occurs I insist that she texts me once she's back in the house so that I don't wake up at 3am IN THE MORNING panicking that she's been abducted by the ghost of Jimmy Savile on the way home. So I woke up at about 6am, checked my phone, and sure enough she had texted me simply the word 'home'. As I'm a comedy genius, I texted her back the word 'osexual' (DISCLAIMER - this in no way means I am dissing off anybody's sexual preferences, I couldn't give two hoots who you poke, I love you all!). Anyway, the point is, SHE DIDN'T EVEN REPLY. What sort of child, when receiving a text FROM THEIR OWN MOTHER with simply the word 'osexual' in it, DOESN'T EVEN BAT AN EYELID?
A child of mine, that's who!
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