I watched a very interesting programme this week called The Trouble With Dad. It was a documentary about the comedian David Baddiel and his relationship with his father who has Pick's Disease, a form of dementia. It was interesting to me because a) I really like David Baddiel (a lot of my teenage years were spent saying to my best mate 'See that blob of spit with all bubbles and bits of food in it - that's your swimming pool, that is') and b) I work in the mental industry but don't know a lot about it, so like to take the opportunity to learn more when I can. The programme was quite moving, and actually very amusing too. If you didn't see it, I recommend you find it on iplayer or something. This chap's condition often manifested itself by way of swearing, calling people around him quite offensive names and generally being a bit inappropriate. And it got me thinking, and worrying a bit too. Because I'm a little unhinged, am I more pre-disposed to developing a dementia-type condition? Has it already started? And how will anyone know? I call people twats all the time! It will be like 'I'm really sorry but your mum has dementia' and my kid will be like 'nah, that's just Mum being normal.'
This week, this conversation happened -
19 year old kid 'Mum, you know if you're pregnant and have a really big baby, will you have to have a circumcision?'
Me 'I think you mean caesarean.'
Kid 'Oh yeh, that.'
Me *jumps off Beachy Head*
About two years ago, we had to get a new boiler. Sometimes, the pressure in the boiler drops low and you get no hot water (invariably when you're running REALLY FUCKING LATE FOR WORK) so you have to twiddle with the knobs and refill the system or something. Well, because it's a new boiler, I knew I would forget how to do this, so I wrote simplified instructions on the actual boiler manual and left these instructions in the airing cupboard RIGHT NEXT TO THE BOILER. Where else would I put them? So, you know what's coming - last week the pressure went, I opened the boiler up, and could I find the instructions? COULD I FUCK. Someone had moved them. Now, why, WHY would you move the boiler instructions to anywhere else but NEXT TO THE BOILER? You wouldn't put the boiler instructions next to the COCKING MICROWAVE, would you? Or in the car? Or in the bottom of the shoe cupboard? No. You'd leave them NEXT TO THE FUCKING BOILER. They are not next to the boiler. I still don't know where they are. But I DID remember how to twiddle the knobs. So suck on that, boiler instruction thief! I will now have warm showers, and you will freeze in HELL!
I work a lot from home, but sometimes have to suffer the indignity and sheer inconvenience of actually getting dressed in the morning and going into an office. I did this last week. Twice. I haven't got much to say except this - if you have a cough that makes you sound like you're auditioning for the part of Bob Fleming on The Fast Show, FUCK OFF HOME AND TAKE YOUR DISEASE-RIDDEN ARSE WITH YOU. I sat for eight, count them EIGHT WHOLE HOURS listening to some absolute HOBO coughing and spluttering away all over the place, and he wasn't even sat near me, he was at least thirty feet away, but all you could hear was portions of his lung hitting his laptop screen. I pity the poor fucker that was actually sat next to him, although he probably doesn't need my pity now that he's died from catching the plague off Mr I've-Never-Taken-A-Day-Off-Sick-In-My-Life-And-I'm-Not-Starting-Now Man. Although maybe I'm just jealous that someone can cough that hard and that often without pissing their pants.
We live in England. (I know a couple of you don't, but just go with it for now). We live in England, therefore we speak English, with English words and phrases, for instance 'good morning', 'I'll have two pints of mild and a packet of cheese and onion please' or 'HOW MUCH FUCKING ROAD DO YOU WANT?'. So, when I watch English TV programmes, or read English magazines, what I want to see is this -
'The Daily Shitrag contacted Mr so-and so....'
not this -
'The Daily Shitrag REACHED OUT to Mr so-and-so'
Reached out? REACHED OUT? What the FUCK does that mean? I'll tell you what it means. It means you're a prick and have no concept of the English language. And today it became really apparent to me what an absolute BALLBAG this phrase makes you sound. I was watching an episode of Elementary, the American Sherlock Holmes thing (yes, I generally don't like American television however this has Johnny Lee Miller in it) and this particular episode also starred that well-known Hollywood superstar Vinnie Jones (I used to play darts against his mum, FACT). Vinnie's character was trying to establish an alibi for a murder, and said to Sherlock 'I was banged up, REACH OUT to Brixton Prison, they'll tell you'. WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK? I very nearly put my foot through the television and sent Arthur Conan Doyle the bill.
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