Being screwed by a virgin

Well, it's been a funny old week.  No, it hasn't, actually, it's just been a week of the usual BOLLOCKS.  I thought I'd got rid of my shitty lurgy but this morning I woke up with a throat as dry as a nun's gusset, I keep having nose bleeds because, apparently, I've 'always got my finger up my nose' (what the fuck is a finger for if not for sticking into things?) and I've been landed with trying to get my daughter out of parking ticket because she is 'poor as fuck'.  Aren't we all, dear?  But never mind - I got lovely roses and pink champagne because I'm an awesome not-wife, so it isn't all bad.


So last week, I moaned about Virgin.  And this week, I'm going to moan about them again.  I have a Virgin credit card, and always make my payments in a timely fashion, so you can imagine my ABSOLUTE FUCKING OUTRAGE when I logged on to check my balance last week, only to be confronted with LATE PAYMENT CHARGE £9.00 as my latest transaction.  'This cannot be right,' I thought to myself, and upon checking and double checking, I was indeed right and had made not one, but TWO payments last month, well before the payment due date.  So I pinged them off an email asking them to please explain the charge.  But actually, merely sending them an email did not dullen my TOTAL RAGE so I rang them.  I will now try my best to paint you an aural picture of the conversation (in a somewhat condensed version as I'm sure you have much better things to do with your time) -


Me - 'Hello, you've given me a late payment charge when I actually paid well before the due date, please can you remove it?'
Virgin - 'Um, let me just investigate.......(7 minutes later)....yes, your statement was produced on the 12th, but you actually paid on the 9th'
Me - 'Yes, that's right - I'm still failing to see how the payment was late?'
Virgin - 'Well your statement was produced on the 12th but you paid on the 9th, so your payment was too early'
Me - 'Excuse me?'
Virgin - 'Your payment was too early so it was taken off January's statement, not February's'
Me - 'So what you've actually given me is an EARLY PAYMENT CHARGE, not a LATE PAYMENT CHARGE?'
Virgin - 'No, it's a late payment charge. For paying too early.'
Me - 'Right.  So why don't you call it an EARLY PAYMENT CHARGE then, or even a YOU'RE TOO EFFICIENT AT MANAGING YOUR BILLS CHARGE?'
Virgin - 'Because you didn't pay February's so it's late.'
Me - 'I DID PAY FEBRUARY'S, ON THE 9TH!'
Virgin - 'No, that was January's'
Me - 'NO IT WASN'T, I PAID JANUARY'S ON THE 3RD'
Virgin - 'Oh yes, that's right, January's was paid on the 3rd'
Me - 'So the payment on the 9th was for February.'
Virgin - 'Yes but it was too early.'
Me - 'So how is it fair to charge someone a LATE PAYMENT CHARGE when in fact what they've done is pay you too early?'
Virgin - 'Well there's nothing we can do.'
Me - 'Yes, yes there is something you can do.  You can refund me the charge.'
Virgin - 'Well I can't really do that.'
Me - 'Well let me speak to someone who can.'
Virgin - 'I'll just put you on hold..........(another 5 minutes later).....hello, yes, I've removed the charge.'
Me - 'There, that was quite easy, wasn't it?  Thank you very much for your help, goodbye.'
I put the phone down, and spontaneously human combusted.


To be honest, it was reassuring to know that Virgin Money are not letting the side down, and are providing the exact same UTTER DOGSHIT customer service that every other Virgin company provides.  


This week, good old Trowbridge has kept up the good work by being in the national news, by being the winners in the WHO CAN HAVE THE SHITTEST FIGHT IN THE SHITTEST PUB COMPETITION 2017.  You may have seen the 10 seconds of grainy footage of some pissed-up 22 year old virgins that can't handle their Fosters throwing punches that quite frankly MY 87 YEAR OLD GRANDAD would be ashamed of.  Now, I interviewed a person that was actually there at this 'fight' (ok, ok, it wasn't an interview, it was a couple of texts from my drunken kid who was there, and I know she was there because a text WOKE ME THE FUCK UP at 1am going 'haha there's a fight in Lloyds' like, no shit, I really needed to know that at 1am YOU GOON).  The news, as usual, has sensationalised it all, calling it 'a 100 MAN BRAWL' (30 at most, according to my source), 'even GIRLS were throwing punches'  (WHATEVER NEXT!) and going on about how awful it all was because it was in a Wetherspoons, as if it is usually some high-class fucking cultural gathering place for people with degrees in being called Tarquin.  Let's be honest here, it's a STICKY-FLOORED HOLE full of kids that think Jaegar-bombs are one of their five-a-day and middle-aged divorcees wiggling their cellulite to Greased Lightning in the mistaken belief that 'we've still got it, ain't we Shaz' and trying their best to get fingered in the cow-sheds (are the cow-sheds still there?).


Middle-aged - CHECK
Divorced - CHECK
Cellulite - CHECK
Grease fan - CHECK


Look's like I'm off out on Saturday night then!


Things that really piss me off #427 - people that call Lego 'LEGOS'.  Like, plural.  NO.  STOP IT.  IT'S FUCKING LEGO.  Not LEGOS.  Not A LEGO.  JUST LEGO.  Anyone that calls it LEGOS deserves to stand on a piece of Lego.


Lastly - a good pal of mine who is also one of the funniest people I know and an author has written a book and he'd be mighty glad if you took a look. (If that link doesn't work, copy and paste it, I already told you I'm not very technical and I think I've fucked it up)


https://www.amazon.co.uk/My-Exs-Ex-Dan-Sweetman-ebook/dp/B01CYFZJNQ/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1458324104&sr=8-1&keywords=dan+sweetman