Shit adverts for shit things

I, like the entire population of the world, spend quite a lot of time looking at Facebook.  I originally joined Facebook to catch up with old chums, play some sort of really crap pirate game (remember that?) and to generally nose at people I don't like and laugh that they've got really fat (oh, no, wait, that was MY OWN PROFILE I was looking at).  Anyway, Facebook is now just a massive boot sale for shit people don't want.  Recently, I have had a recurring advert for what is called a MOONCUP.  Now, for any boys reading, I am warning you now - this is about PERIODS.  A mooncup is basically an upside-down hollowed-out acorn that you stick up your pipe once a month, and is supposedly an eco-alternative to jam-rags and cotton mice being flushed into the English Channel.  Now, I'm not going to go into the ins and outs (see what I did there) of this, as it is frankly unpleasant for 8am on a Tuesday morning.  But what I want to know is, WHO THOUGHT OF SHOVING AN ACORN UP THEIR FLANGE?  Whoever it is needs help, and possibly a new boyfriend.


Also, these magazine adverts - Issue 1 of BUILD YOUR OWN ROBOT GIRAFFE, just £2.99!  WHAT A BARGAIN to keep little Johnny happy over the school holidays!  Oh wait - small print that you can only read if you have the visual power of an actual robot giraffe 'Issue 1 special offer £2.99, remaining 493 issues needed to complete robot giraffe will be £24.99 each'.  So now you have a screaming child blubbing because you've bought them Issue 1 of BUILD YOUR OWN ROBOT GIRAFFE that comes with the first piece needed (one of those wiggly things off their head) but now you can't afford to buy the rest of the series unless you take out a Wonga loan at 7456% APR thus bankrupting you and having your house repossessed.  If only you'd bought the rest of the series, you'd have enough shitty magazines to BUILD YOUR OWN HUT IN THE WOODS NOW YOU NO LONGER OWN YOUR HOUSE.


Adverts are shit.  Lately lots of adverts have been using old 80s songs sung in a completely different way from the original, usually all slow and miserable, to advertise crap.  Let me be clear with you, advertising agencies - the only thing that reworking Agadoo in the style of The Smiths is going to make me want to buy is a noose.  It is not going to make me want to buy your shitty car, or your shitty perfume, or your shitty mooncup.  And if your mooncup is shitty, you haven't read the instructions properly.