When running your own business, (a business, please note, that is NOT vital on a BANK FUCKING HOLIDAY MONDAY), what part of NORMAL OFFICE HOURS is 11am on a BANK FUCKING HOLIDAY MONDAY? That's right, I'm nice enough to take time out of my BANK FUCKING HOLIDAY MONDAY to reply to your email, advising we are available on the phone IN NORMAL OFFICE HOURS and you ring straight back at 11am on a BANK FUCKING HOLIDAY MONDAY saying please can you call me back today. NO. NO I CAN'T. You might want us to build the Forth fucking Bridge on a BANK FUCKING HOLIDAY MONDAY but unfortunately we are too busy SITTING ON OUR FAT ASSES EATING LEFTOVER PATÉ AND TERRY'S CHOCOLATE ORANGE.
Also - men.
I bought my boyfriend (actually, this 'boyfriend' thing isn't going to work, is it - the old man, that will do - just remember if I say that me and the old man were going at it hammer and tongs, I don't mean MY DAD, as that would be a) illegal and b) he's not my type) - so I bought the old man one of these new fandangled coffee machines for Christmas - partly because he asked for one, but partly because I thought 'hmmmm I love hot chocolate' and obviously, when you buy a present for someone, the most important thing about that present is that it MUST BE SOMETHING THAT YOU YOURSELF WILL GAIN BENEFIT FROM. Otherwise there's no point.
Anyhow the following conversation about the coffee machine happened this morning:
Him - 'I don't know what these other buttons do.'
Me - 'Have you looked at the instructions?'
Him - 'Briefly.'
Me - 'Well why don't you have a proper look?'
Him - 'I don't know where I've put the instructions.'
Me - SHOOTS SELF IN FACE
Him - 'Ah here they are.'
Me - 'Give them to me.'
Me - READS OUT VERY SIMPLE INSTRUCTIONS AS TO WHAT THE OTHER BUTTONS ARE FOR
Him - 'Ah, right, that's easy then.'
Me - PICKS UP PHONE 'Hello, is that the police, I'm afraid there's been a murder.'
Lastly (you'll be glad to hear) (and this is more for my own amusement really) - he just took his van out to jet wash it at the garage (it's a white van) - I had previous asked if I could draw a cock in the dirt on it (I am a prolific cock artist) but he wouldn't let me as he said it wouldn't look very professional (can't see a problem myself but whatever), anyway he got back from the jet wash, I said 'oh is your van clean now then', he said 'yes', so I said 'oh, no coq au vin for me then'. Do you see what I did there? Well I THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY.
Back to work tomorrow.
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