This one's got the word cunt in it

Well, what a bloody joke!  The massive 55 inch telly we bought LESS THAN THREE MONTHS AGO has fucking broke already! It was TWO AND A HALF GRAND FOR FUCK'S SAKE!  (I say 'we bought', what I mean is 'he bought' - but what's his is mine, and what's mine is mine, right?).  It was his own fault - he put the rugby on yesterday - now any self-respecting telly is going to spontaneously combust if you put that pile of old shite on it.  He's not happy AT ALL.  They collected it today to take it away for repair, and the jolly chap at the end of the helpline, who sounded suspiciously like Joe Lycett (who we're going to see in a couple of weeks, comedy gig fans), said 'it will be back with you on SATURDAY' - that's SATURDAY - SIX WHOLE FUCKING DAYS I'm going to have to spend watching a tiny telly in the bedroom!  We only use that telly for porn!  Better get the screen wipes out!


Now, I've had a moan about this on Facebook already, but I'm going to moan about it again.  It's the time of year when it rains.  And rains make floods.  And floods make people turn into ABSOLUTE FUCKING TWATS.  There's a particular road nearby that floods every single time it rains, it's near a river and the road always ends up blocked.  The highways people always put the 'road closed' signs up, but there is always at least one, and usual more, total JAPSEYE who thinks 'ah, fuck it, my Clio will easily make it through that three foot high puddle' - within yminutes there's a picture on Facebook of the massive TOOL stood on his car roof, steam coming out of the bonnet, mobile in hand, ringing the fucking fire brigade.  They then have to go and tow the cunt out.  Never mind that they could be doing something far more important, like SAVING AN ACTUAL INTELLIGENT PERSON'S LIFE.  Oh no, they are wasting their precious time and resources rescuing a fucking pea-brained SKIDMARK because they thought they'd try and be clever by ignoring the flood sign.  Now, when I'm Prime Minister, things are going to fucking change, let me tell you.  Here is my manifesto - if you drive into a flood and get stuck, you must get yourself rescued, don't ring 999.  If you call the fire brigade, my new law says that they have to tell you to 'go and fuck yourself, you RECTAL WART' and then send you a bill for a thousand pounds for blocking their phone line with your nonsense call.  Then, when you eventually sort out your own rescue, I will have your car crushed and your driving licence permanently revoked.  Then, I will send Phil Mitchell round to pound your snivelling face into the ground.  Then I'll have you shot.  Got that?  Good.


Things that annoy me #7932 - people that say 'burglarize'.  It's burgled, you nobs.  You live in Wiltshire, not fucking Texas.


Today's Fun Fish Fact - there is a thing called a bony-eared assfish. 


The NHS is in the news a lot at the moment.  Today, even Trump, the man with a face like a melted spacehopper, has started having a go about it.  We all know it's in crisis, despite the dedicated, hard-working and probably absolutely knackered staff trying their best to deliver a Harrod's service with a Happy Shopper budget.  The fault certainly doesn't lie with them.  But who the fuck does he think he is, to criticize our NHS?  This is a man who thinks it's fine for everyone to own a fucking gun, causing hundreds of deaths and injuries each year in the US, but doesn't think everyone should have access to hospital treatment when they need their blown-off face rebuilding.   We recently had cause to call the NHS helpline for the old man, at 5pm on a Friday afternoon - their advice was that he needed to be seen by a medical professional within a few hours, however they said because it was still within surgery hours, we had to ring the surgery to see if he could have an appointment that evening - that's right, at 5pm on a Friday afternoon - well I didn't hold my breath, however I should have had more faith, as I rang the surgery, explained the issue, and by 5.45pm he'd been seen by a doctor and given appropriate medication.  All for £8.60.  Can't fault that, but of course there are people that are waiting unacceptable lengths of time for treatment and not getting a decent service.  But it's a bit like someone slagging off my brother - I'm allowed to call him a beardy ginger twat, but WOE BETIDE anyone else is mean to him, or they'll suffer my wrath!  So, Donald Bumhole, sort your own fucking house out before poking your nose into ours, fuck off and mind your own business!


When I was a teenager, I was, and still am, a HEAVY METAL fan, however, I did like to keep abreast of all types of music in the hit parade, and celebrities in general.  In the 80s, rapping and hip hop became quite popular, and there were all sorts of brilliant rappers called brilliant things like Grandmaster Flash, MC Hammer, LL Cool J and The Fresh Prince (although DJ Jazzy Jeff was a bit of a bellend's name), and celebrities had normal, actual proper names like John Craven, Angela Rippon and Grotbags.  These days, I have no real interest in what's hip, hop and happening on Top of the Pops (does Jimmy Savile still present it?) and I couldn't give a flying fuck what Kim Krapdashian has called her latest sperm donation from Kanye Ballsack, however, I have noticed that celebrities these days have some of the absolutely shittest names ever.  For example - apparently there's a singer who calls himself 'The Weeknd' - what the chuff does that mean?  His real name is Abel - although clearly he wasn't able to think of a decent fucking stage name.  Also there's a prick on telly that calls himself 'The Situation' - how pretentious is that?  The only situation you need to be in mate is one at A+E, with a cricket bat round your chops.  Although saying that, back in the olden days there was an 'actress' on Emmerdale Farm (I know, 'actress' is stretching it a bit) who was named Malandra, after her own parents, Malcolm and Sandra.  All I can say is thank fuck her parents weren't called Floyd and Angela.