Balls to surgery!

Hello there.  Well, another month has gone by and now it's nearly August, doesn't time fly when you're working your bollocks off just to give it all to MasterCard and Halifax.  We had a nice week away on holiday in Cornwall, when the weather was mostly good (apart from one whole day of spectacular thunderstorms) and I nearly had a coronary walking up Tintagel Castle.  Let me tell you this - when you see two fatties halfway up a steep flight of stone steps looking out across the sea, they are only PRETENDING to look at the nice view while they are actually trying their best not to vomit from exertion.  Not only was I surprised by the number of steps (that we only noticed AFTER we'd paid), but I was also surprised by the number of GERMANS wandering around in their shorts and sensible hiking boots.  What is it about King Arthur that attracts Germans?  I have nothing against Germans, in fact I don't know any Germans, and I'm sure they're all jolly nice people (apart from that one guy).  I didn't take German at school, so I didn't understand anything any of them were saying, which is probably a good job as no doubt it was 'look at ze two Inglish fatties trying to climb up ze steps in zeir unsuitable footvear'.  Hmmm.  Hiking boots and shorts didn't win you the war though, did it, Herr Flick?


Is there anything more FUCKING ANNOYING than that Ribena advert? Zoobydoo zoobydoo zoobydoo, stick your fucking zooby right up your doo.  I can see it now, a load of topknot tosspot advertising bellends sat round a table with their skinny lattes and bumfluff beards and names like Sebastian and Barnaby, 'Right, come on guys, let's throw some ideas around' and the best, the absolute fucking BEST they could come up with was the most irritating jingle in the world, even more irritating than I Know A Song That Will Get On Your Nerves.  Every time it comes on, the old man starts singing it, and giving me the eye, it's like he WANTS me to punch him square in the cock.  And Ribena is well dodgy anyway, a few years ago, I bought a bottle of the ready to drink stuff, and when I got to work opened it up and took a massive swig, only to gulp down a mouthful of what tasted like strong bleach.  I proceeded to try not to throw up all over my desk, and on investigation, there was a huge lump of actual MOULD in the bottle, and I'd just drank it!  What the fuck! I'm going to die!  I took it back to (where else) Tesco, who sent it off to Zoobydoo Headquarters, who eventually wrote back to me to tell me that they'd investigated and it appears there was a great big lump of mould in the bottle.....uh, no fucking shit Dr Watson, I told you that!  And how kind, they'd enclosed some vouchers for me to buy.....MORE RIBENA. Absolute purple faced CLAMS, I tell you.


This week's comedy car singalong on the Devon Expressway, starring Coolio -
'Been spending most our lives, combing through our pubes and finding lice' (yeh, yeh, nobody said this was going to be a MATURE blog, did they?)


This conversation happened sometime over the last few weeks -
Him - 'How's your minge, still wetting yourself every time you sneeze?'
Me - 'Actually, it's much better, in fact my pants are pristine.'
Him - 'Pissed in, more like.'


I went and saw the film 'Dunkirk' on Friday.  It was very good - powerful and moving and quite shocking too, and I learnt stuff which is always a bonus.  My predominant reason for seeing it is that I want to bone Harry Styles, who, by the way, looked SUPER FINE in it, however the old man is a big fan of World War 2 stuff, so I used that against him -
Me - 'Hey love, I know it's not my thing but if you want to go and see that film tonight, I don't mind coming I suppose.' (hehe, he'll never realise that I only want to go because it's got Harry in it)
Him - 'You only want to go because it's got that dickhead Styles in it.'
Damn.


Vorderman.  Carol Vorderman.  What have you done to your face?  She's in the paper this week because she has done a skydive.  There's pictures of her falling through the air at 459 miles per hour, and her face has gone all stretchy and weird, like when you stand in a wind tunnel or blow your cheeks up against a window.  And then there's pictures of her afterwards, and her face looks EXACTLY THE SAME.  Why, WHY do these women do this to themselves?  I have NEVER seen anybody that has had facial surgery that looks better than they did before (with the probable exception of that woman that got her face eaten by a chimpanzee).  Blokes do it too, sadly, because in my opinion most men get better with age.  I defy you to look at before and after pictures of Renee Zellweger, Mickey Rourke, Meg Ryan, Leslie Ash, Donatella Versace, Shane Warne, Nicole Kidman, Barry Manilow, John Travolta, David Gest, SHALL I GO ON!  They all look worse than before!  Why can't we all just be happy with what we're given?  In the grand scheme of things, it doesn't matter if you have wrinkles, or a bumpy nose, or tiny tits - CELEBRATE YOURSELF AS UNIQUE!  Now I do admire Vorderman for doing a skydive, she's obviously got massive balls - but if she continues with the facelifts, those balls will end up on her chin!